Bodysnatchers
by sushigal007
Summary: Written for the Second Doctor cliche ficathon for uktechgirl, who wanted Jamie and Zoe bodyswap. So. They do.
1. Chapter 1

Part One

It was a beautiful day on a planet a hundred light years away. The suns shone brightly, the pink-tinted sky shimmered and brightly coloured birds hopped from tree to tree, cheeping loudly. Then all of a sudden, they flew away en mass and the sound of engines filled the air. A moment later, a blue London Police Box appeared out of nowhere. The door opened and three people stumbled out, surrounded by a cloud of vapour and coughing loudly.

"Doctor, you really MUST fix those mercury fluid links," Zoe Heriot complained, leaning against a tree and gulping in lungfuls of refreshing air. "That's the third time they've blown this week!"

The Doctor waved a handkerchief in the direction of the Police Box trying to disperse the vapour. "It's not my fault, the poor TARDIS still hasn't recovered from that volcanic eruption, she needs time to cool down" he complained.

"Well are we safe t' wait here?" Jamie, the Doctor's other companion asked.

"Oh yes, I should think so," the Doctor said cheerfully. He paused for a second. "Well… I'll check." He covered his mouth with the handkerchief and dove back into the open doors of the TARDIS. "Yes, it all seems fine," he shouted a moment later. "The atmosphere is similar to that of Earth. Pre-industrialisation. A smidge more nitrogen." He reappeared and closed the door behind him. "We'll need to find some mercury while the TARDIS cools down. Shall we have a look around?"

Before his companions could say anything, he strode off down a pathway. Zoe and Jamie shared amused looks and raced after him.

After a few minutes, the trees thinned, giving way to well maintained fields containing herds of unfamiliar crops and animals. The Doctor looked around hopefully and quickly found what he was looking for; an elderly, humanoid figure stood in one field, raking rows of small blue plants. He jumped the fence and jogged across the field, being careful not to damage the seedlings.

"Hello, I wonder if you could help us? I'm looking for mercury," he said with a beaming smile.

The old man ignored him and stared open-mouthed at Jamie and Zoe. The Doctor glanced back at them and grinned. They were a rather eye-opening sight, he in his tartan kilt and her in the silver, glittery catsuit. "Why's she's not in robes? And why's he wearing a skirt?"

Happily Jamie was too busy helping Zoe pull her foot out of mud to hear. "We're going to a fancy dress party. Do you know where I could get hold of some mercury? It's very important."

"The Science City," the stranger said immediately, still watching the Doctor's companions. "Go half a mile down the road there and you'll get to Kork. The Science City is at the end of the town square."

"Thank you." The Doctor nodded in thanks and picked his way carefully back to his companions. "Come along, you two. How long does it take to walk across a bit of mud?"

"It sticks," Zoe complained. "I'm ruining my shoes." She fluttered her eyelashes at Jamie. "Would you be an absolute darling and give me a piggyback back to the road?"

"No," the boy said heartlessly. "Serves ye right for wearing silly shoes."

Zoe made a face at his back and then stumbled. "Ow. Ow ow ow."

Jamie sighed, picked her up and carried her across the field to the side of the road. "There," he said, unceremoniously dropping her to the ground. "You can walk from here."

"Don't worry, it's not far," the Doctor said quickly. He strode off down the road, forcing his companions to stop bickering and hurry up.

"Where are we going?" Jamie asked, catching up and walking alongside him.

"The Science City in Kork, apparently."

"Oooh, Science City?" Zoe looked thrilled. "That sounds interesting."

"Sounds boring," Jamie muttered.

Zoe ignored him. "Can we look around when we get there, Doctor?"

"If they have no objections," the Doctor said with a shrug.

The three of them walked along in comfortable silence for the next few minutes. The road soon opened up onto a busier road, where vehicles hovered past, scattering dust in their wake. Buildings began to appear at the side of the road and people dressed in long, brightly decorated robes bustled past, occasionally turning to stare at the trio.

"Ah, that must be the place," the Doctor said, pointing across a busy market square to the impressive, pale stone building beyond. He led the way along the side of the square and climbed several steps to a heavy, wooden door. "Hello?" he called, pushing it open.

A man in dark red robes looked up from the desk he was sat behind. "Can I help you?"

"I hope so." The Doctor stepped inside. "I'm the Doctor. I was wondering if it would be possible to get some mercury?"

The man shrugged and picked up a telephone. "I see no reason why not, hang on a sec and I'll get someone down to-oh." He stopped dialling and stared at Zoe, who'd just stepped inside. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait outside, miss."

Zoe blinked in confusion. "Why?"

The man smiled kindly at her. "Girls aren't allowed in the Science City, you know that. You don't want to distract the scientists with your pretty face now, do you?"

The Doctor stepped back hastily and placed a warning hand on the girl's shoulder before she could react. "Zoe is a scientist herself," he said. "Surely you could make an exception?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, but it's the law. You should know that. She'll have to wait outside."

Zoe scowled nastily, spun around and stomped out of the building, muttering under her breath. "Oh dear. Jamie, you'd better go after her," the Doctor said, looking concerned.

Jamie nodded and ran out after the girl. He found her pacing back and forth at the bottom of the steps. "Are y' all right, lass?" he asked, sitting down.

"Girls not allowed?! What kind of backward, Neanderthal planet is this?!" Zoe snarled, giving the steps a kick. "Ow. Bunch of… of MEN."

Jamie tried not to laugh. Although he could understand why she was upset, her outrage was amusing to watch. "Aye, well, there's no' a whole lot we can do except wait for the Doctor."

"It's not fair," she muttered. "You don't care about science, but I bet they'd let you in, no questions asked, just because you have testicles."

"I have what?" he asked blankly. "Is it bad?"

Zoe ignored him. "Come on," she snapped, walking away towards the edge of the building.

"Where are we going?" Jamie asked, hurrying after her.

"We're going to look for a way in," Zoe said obstinately. "No girls allowed indeed!"

"I dinnae think that's a good idea," he said hastily as she walked along, gazing up at the walls.

"Scared?" she asked sweetly. "You can always go and loiter on the steps if you like." She stopped in front of a window and peeped inside. "Oh goody, empty. Give me a leg up in here and you can go."

"Och, I'm no going anywhere," Jamie said resolutely. "If you're going in, I'm coming with you. Someone needs t' keep an eye on you."

She smirked to herself and watched him pull a knife out of his sock and prise the window open. "After you," he said politely, standing aside.

She clambered up the wall and daintily jumped inside. The room was in darkness and it took several seconds for her eyes to adjust. When they did, she was delighted to see that the room was filled with shiny, tempting gadgets. "Oooh, Jamie, come and look!"

Jamie hauled himself over the windowsill and gazed around, unimpressed. "Looks like junk t' me. But dinnae touch!" he added sharply as she danced happily across the room and picked up something delicate-looking with wires sticking out of it.

"Isn't it marvellous?" she said dreamily, holding it aloft. "Oooh, and look at this! Wow, it's got a tachyon acceleration drive!"

Jamie ignored the technobabble and sat on a spinny chair. "We cannae stay long," he warned. "The Doctor will wonder where we are."

"All right, all right." She sighed and put on a strange metal helmet with lights on top. "Look, I'm a Dalek!"

Jamie couldn't help but laugh at her childish pleasure. "You look like no Dalek I ever saw!"

"What do you think it does?" she asked, picking up an identical helmet and examining it curiously.

"I dinnae know. Mebbe it's a hair dryer?" he suggested.

"Haha. Maybe it reads brain waves." She popped the other helmet on Jamie's head, just to annoy him. "No reading. You're clinically brain dead." She jumped aside as he swatted at her and accidentally stepped on a remote control that had fallen to the floor. "Oops-"

A blinding flash of blue light filled the room and suddenly she was staring at herself. "Huh?"

"Zoe?"

"Jamie?"

Zoe looked down at herself. Or himself, she wasn't quite sure which. "Well that was unexpected."

Jamie crossed her arms. Zoe's arms. "I told y' to no touch anything!"

"Goodness." Zoe grinned. "This feels weird. You should really wear underwear, you know."

"Zoe!"

"It's all right, I'll undo it." He took off the helmet, popped it on a filing cabinet, bent down in Jamie's body and picked up the remote control from beside her own foot. Then he paused. "Jamie?"

"What?" Jamie asked suspiciously.

"Can we stay like this for a little while? Just so I can have a look around?" he asked hopefully.

Jamie glared at him. "No! Come on now, turn us back. The Doctor'll be wondering where we are."

"Fine. Spoilsport," Zoe muttered, picking up the helmet again. Then he froze. "What's that?!"

Jamie grabbed his arm at the unmistakable sound of approaching footsteps. "Quick, hide!"

They dived behind the filing cabinet just in time. The door opened and a middle-aged man in bright green robes walked inside. He picked up the remote control and the helmet, and then began rummaging through piles of junk.

Zoe suddenly realised he must be looking for the other helmet, which was still on Jamie's head. As soon as the man had his back to them, he grabbed it and slid it out across the floor before Jamie could stop him.

Jamie moved forward to snatch it back and froze as the man turned back in their direction. He spotted the helmet, picked it up with a happy noise and strolled out.

Jamie and Zoe stayed where they were for a few seconds longer, then Jamie turned around and glared at Zoe. "What did y' give it t' him for?!" she hissed angrily.

"Did you want him to find us?!" Zoe snapped back. "No girls, remember. Who knows what they do to lawbreakers on this planet." He climbed to his feet and brushed down his kilt. "I'll follow him, you wait outside for the Doctor."

"I'm no' letting y' go wandering off in my body!" Jamie exclaimed. "I'm coming with you!"

"Fine. Do what you want." Zoe rolled his eyes and carefully opened the door. The corridor was deserted. He tiptoed quickly down it and peeped around a corner just in time to see the man in robes disappear around another corner. "Quick, this way," he hissed, waving Jamie forward.

Unfortunately, just as Jamie left her hiding place, a door opposite opened and several men stepped out. They stared blankly at her for a moment before one recovered his senses. "Oi! What are you doing here?!"

Jamie did the sensible thing and ran. After a moment's hesitation, the group of men ran after her.

Unfortunately for Zoe, they were all running away from him. He dithered for a moment, torn between following the man with the body-swapping helmets and making sure Jamie didn't fall down a flight of stairs and break her leg.

Following the mystery man won out in the end; Jamie was more than capable of taking care of herself. He turned away and jogged to the end of the corridor, looking hopefully in both directions. A flicker of green cloth caught his eye and he followed.

Meanwhile, Jamie was discovering that Zoe's body wasn't nearly as fit as her own. The legs were shorter, the boobs bounced uncomfortably and the lungs burned with effort. And the men were catching up.

She skidded around a corner and discovered that not only was Zoe's body not designed for running, neither were the very silly shoes on her feet. One heel collapsed underneath her and she fell flat on her face with a squeak of surprise.

Before she could recover, someone grabbed one of her arms and yanked her to her feet. She was spun around and found herself face to chest with four very annoyed looking men. "Er… I surrender?"

One of them grabbed her arm and hauled her to her feet. "What the blazes are you doing in here, you stupid girl?!"

"I wasnae doing anything," Jamie protested, pulling her arm free. "I was just…" She paused and resisted the urge to punch him in the teeth. "I got lost," she said finally, smiling sweetly at him. It was a tactic he'd seen girls use before to get out of trouble and it usually worked. "Cannae ye just show me the way out?"

"Oh we'll show you the way out all right," the one holding her arm snarled, giving her a shake. "Rhus, call that idiot on security and tell him to get the police."

"Police?!" Jamie began to struggle free, only for someone to grab her other arm. She protested loudly, but the men ignored her pleas and insults and frogmarched her away.


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

Meanwhile, Zoe had lost sight of the man in green robes and was currently peering hopefully into rooms. Many of them contained strange equipment and machinery that he longed to investigate, but none of them contained the man in green robes.

A door opened next to him and he smiled at the group of men exiting. Apart from a few odd glances at the kilt, none of them gave him a second look. He peered hopefully into the emptying room. No green-robed man.

The room did, however, contain the Doctor. He gave Zoe a cheery wave and jogged over to him. "Ah, Jamie, my lad. Come and meet Deran. He's been kind enough to give us enough mercury to fix the TARDIS several times over!"

"Er…" Zoe opened and shut his mouth a few times. "Um, och, aye the noo," he said eventually, with a weak smile in Deran's direction.

The Doctor looked curiously at him. "Are you all right? Where's Zoe?"

Zoe looked blankly at him for a second before realising he meant Jamie in her own body. "Oh, aye, och, h-she's um… ootside."

The Doctor frowned at him and suddenly grabbed Zoe's arm and pulled him closer. "Who are you and where's Jamie," he hissed dangerously.

Zoe looked away, shamefaced. "It's me, Zoe."

"Zoe?!" The Doctor's mouth dropped open in shock. He stepped backwards, caught sight of Deran watching them curiously and grinned sheepishly at him. "Er, is there somewhere private we could talk?"

Deran shrugged. "There's no exhibition or class here now, feel free." The Doctor and Zoe stared silently at him for several seconds before he added, "I'll be in RF04."

The Doctor waited until the door had shut before turning and gazing at Zoe. "Oh dear. You really have gotten into a bit of a pickle there, haven't you? Would I be right in assuming that Jamie is somewhere about, looking like you?"

"It was an accident," Zoe muttered. "It'll be easy to fix, I just need to find a man in green robes and I can undo it."

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Right… very well, you can give me the details while we look for this chap in green."

He opened the door and looked up and down the corridor before waving for Zoe to join him. As they jogged along, looking through windows, Zoe quickly recounted the story.

"…And then he ran off one way and I decided to try and find the guy who had the helmets," Zoe finished. "Logically, it would need both of us present to switch us back, but I calculated that Jamie would be a lot easier to find than the-oh!" He stopped suddenly and grabbed the Doctor's sleeve. "That's him! That's the man!" he hissed, gesturing frantically into a large, airy office where the man in green robes was standing, holding a clipboard.

The Doctor pushed the door open and coughed loudly to catch the man's attention.

It worked. He looked up and smiled. "Hi. Can I help you?"

"I do hope so. You had a machine?" the Doctor asked.

"Two helmets with lights on and a remote," Zoe elaborated.

He grinned wider. "Oh, you mean the PED? Psyche Exchange Device?" he added as they looked blankly at him. "Brilliant piece of equipment that. It'll revolutionise diagnostic medicine. I'm Keane, by the way."

"I'm the Doctor, and this is… er… my friend," the Doctor replied, pointing to himself and Zoe.

"Is that its purpose then, diagnostics?" Zoe asked in interest.

"Well, that's one of the possibilities, yes," Keane confirmed cheerfully. "I mean, you got these idiots who don't know their arse from their elbow and go to doctors saying, 'oh, I have a pain in my stomach,' and you have to sit with them for ages asking if it's a sharp pain or a dull pain and if it comes and goes or what, only to find out later that they actually the problem isn't their stomach at all, it's their chest. With this, the doctor can just switch places with the patient and get all the details first hand!"

There was a moment of silence. "Wow," the Doctor said eventually. "That sounds… er… like it could be very badly abused, actually."

Keane laughed. "Oh, it'll only be given to licensed professionals and used under supervision. It's got tracking hardware on it so its location can always be traced and if the worst happens and it gets stolen, it can be disabled from a remote location. Don't worry, it's heavily guarded. We're not about to let just anyone play with it, that would be a disaster!"

Zoe flushed scarlet and gazed at his shoes. Jamie's shoes. "So, where is the PED now?" he asked quickly.

"On its way to Norham," Keane said cheerfully. "I've just put it in the hover-van. It's going before an ethics committee tomorrow."

"Oh my!" the Doctor exclaimed in horror. "I mean, we were really, really hoping for a demonstration," he added hastily as Keane looked curiously at him. "Is there another one around at all?"

Keane shook his head. "Nope. Just that single prototype."

"Oh dear. That's a dreadful shame." The Doctor frowned thoughtfully. "Whereabouts in Norham will this committee be meeting, do you know?"

"The Delphi Hotel," Keane said obligingly. "There'll be a demonstration before the committee decides, but it's only open to members of SMATA. That's the Scientific, Mechanical and Technical Association."

The Doctor grinned. "That's all right then. I'm a doctor of all of those. Well, anyway, you've been very helpful," he said cheerfully, reaching out and shaking Keane's hand heartily. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Keane held the door open for the duo to leave. "Sorry I couldn't give you a demo," he called after them.

"So… now what do we do?" Zoe asked as soon as they were out of earshot.

"Isn't it logical?" the Doctor asked mildly. "Find Jamie, go to Norham and switch the two of you back. And touch nothing," he added as an afterthought. "We'll go see if he's waiting outside for us."

Jamie was not waiting outside for the Doctor and Zoe. Instead, she'd been dragged kicking and biting to the front of the building, where blue-robed men had handcuffed her and thrown her into the back of a floating car. Now, she was sitting in a dark steel and glass cell, watching her cell-mate, a pretty brunette girl, stare at her. "What?" she snapped eventually.

Her cell-mate looked away, blushing furiously. "Sorry. I didn't mean to stare."

Jamie sighed. She was never one to stay mad at girls. Except for Zoe, but that was a special case. "Och, dinnae mind it. I'm used tae it."

"Well, your clothes are very curious," the girl said shyly.

Jamie picked a bit of glitter off her arm. "It's no summat I usually wear," she said with a grimace. "I'm Jamie, by the way."

"Kerria." She shuffled nearer and looked around quickly. "So, what are you in for?"

"I got caught in the Science City," Jamie said ruefully. "You?"

"Really?!" Kerria looked intrigued. "What's it like? Is it full of jars of severed heads and robot photons?"

Jamie didn't have a clue what a robot photon was, but she was pretty sure she hadn't seen any. "Nah, just a lot of men and machines."

"Oh." Kerria's face fell. "Really? That's boring."

"Aye," Jamie agreed. "What about you?"

"I got caught on my way to a secret school," she replied. "My husband will not be pleased, I stole his old geography books and now they've been taken as evidence."

The Scot blinked in surprise. "A secret school?"

"I was bored," Kerria said defensively.

Before either of them could say anything else, a guard appeared at the doorway and unlocked it. "You, come on," he ordered, pointing at Jamie.

"Good luck," she whispered to Kerria, and stood up. The guard led her up a flight of grubby stairs and out to the front desk where the Doctor and Zoe were waiting.

"Ah, Jamie," the Doctor said happily, reaching out and giving her a hearty slap on the back. "Good to see you. Sort of."

"Am I free to go?" Jamie asked, surprised. Since meeting the Doctor, she'd been held captive many times, but very rarely had she simply been let go.

"As it's your first offence, you're being released into the custody of your husband," the guard said, motioning towards Zoe, who looked like he was trying not to laugh. "You'll both need to sign these release papers," he added, pointing to a small pile of paper on the desk.

Jamie picked up a pen and began writing.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

"This is all your fault," Jamie said as soon as they were outside.

"I know. And I'm sorry," Zoe apologised.

"Aye. Well." Jamie nibbled her lip thoughtfully. "This isn't a good place t' be a lass. Let's switch back and go."

The Doctor and Zoe exchanged glances. "Er… about that…" the Doctor said hesitantly. "It's not actually here anymore. It's been sent to another town for a presentation tomorrow. It's all right, we know where," he said hastily at Jamie's growing look of horror. "It just means you're both stuck as each other for a little while longer."

Jamie pulled a face at Zoe. "I hate you."

Zoe wisely ignored her. "Should we start making our way to Norham now, Doctor?"

The Doctor nodded. "Yes. There's a train station nearby that should get us there." He patted his pockets down. "Money, money, money… ah, sonic screwdriver!"

"You can't pay a train fare with that," Zoe pointed out.

"No, but I can withdraw money from a cash machine with it," he said cheerfully. "Not from here, obviously," he added, glancing at the police station. "Come on."

Ten minutes later, the trio were gathered around a cash machine in the Kork Railway Station.

"This is very wrong," Zoe whispered in a mixture of awe and outrage as the Doctor ran the sonic screwdriver over the screen.

The Doctor grinned sheepishly and quickly pocketed a large handful of notes. "Desperate times, my dear Zoe. We don't have time to walk there. Come on, let's get some tickets."

"This carriage smells funny. And it's too hot," Zoe complained a little later. "Can we move?"

"This is the only mixed carriage on the train," the Doctor pointed out.

"All right, can I move?"

"No," Jamie snapped. "If I have t' suffer, so do ye."

"I'd like to have you both where I can see you," the Doctor said hastily. "So no."

There was a moment of quiet, then Zoe spoke again. "It's strange though, isn't it, Doctor? This planet seems to be very advanced, technologically, but the women are treated like second class citizens. They're not allowed in the Science City, they're only allowed on this train with a man-"

"Aye, and another girl at the police station said she'd been arrested for going to a secret school," Jamie added.

The Doctor shrugged. "It's nothing to worry about."

"You can't think that this sexism is all right-" Zoe began.

"No, of course not!" the Doctor interrupted, appalled. "But it'll all change soon. This is Callisto, 334.52," he explained quietly. "I found that out at the Science City. According to history, next year, Tarrent Kline will be elected Prime Minister. He'll change laws, allowing women to learn science and maths and get jobs. In ten years, the first female doctor will start work. Twenty, the first female physicist. In forty years, Dianella Gregg will be elected Prime Minister and in a hundred years, they look back to this time and wonder what they were thinking. If you like, we could come back in century and see how it's all getting on," he suggested.

"I'd rather not," Jamie said quickly. "If they can swap brains now, who knows what they'll be able to do then!"

"I don't recall brain swapping being around," the Doctor said with a slight frown. "Maybe the committee vote against it?"

"So… tomorrow could be our only chance to use it," Zoe said slowly.

"Oh, not necessarily," the Doctor said hastily. "It'll probably go back to the Science City if it's turned down, they wouldn't destroy a piece of technology like that! No, don't worry, we'll get you two switched back to yourselves in no time. Now… how about a game of I-spy to pass the time?" he suggested cheerfully.

As Jamie and Zoe were unfamiliar with the planet's wildlife and sights, the Doctor quickly won the games. Happily, before either companion realised he was making things up, the train pulled into Norham station and they disembarked.

"Right… let's find out where the hotel is and book some rooms," the Doctor said, leading his friends outside. "What was it called again?"

"Delphi," Zoe said promptly. "That's it, there." He pointed across the busy road. Sure enough, the large, posh building opposite had "Delphi Hotel" written in gold script on a sign above the revolving door.

"Oh. Well, that's splendid!" the Doctor grinned widely and led his companions across the road in inside.

The interior of the hotel was full of large oil paintings, velvet hangings and gold trimmings. It looked like an explosion in Elton John's underwear drawer. Evidently, this was a hotel used to money.

Happily, the Doctor had pockets of the stuff. He strolled up to the front desk and smiled charmingly. "Hello, how much for a room or three?"

The clerk behind the desk eyed him with a mixture of horror and disgust. "I'm sorry sir. I don't think we have any rooms available."

"Oh." The Doctor frowned, and then pulled a wad of notes out of his pocket. "Are you sure?"

The clerk hesitated. He glanced over at Zoe and Jamie, who smiled innocently back at him in an attempt to look normal. It worked. "Rooms are six thousands crowns a night, a suite is eleven thousand."

"We'll take… a suite for the night," the Doctor decided after counting his cash. "Is breakfast included in the price?"

"Of course." The clerk started tapping at a computer keyboard. "Breakfast is between six and eight in the morning. You're in suite three-seventeen and your check-out time is nine tomorrow. Have a pleasant stay, sir."

"Thank you." The Doctor took the key card offered and strolled back to his companions. "Right. Shall we go and have something to eat or should we have a wander around, see if we can work out where this ethics conference will be held, hmm?"

"There's a conference room on the fifth floor," Jamie said, pointing to a sign on the wall "Won't that be where it is?"

"Very well spotted," the Doctor said happily, clapping his hands together. "All right, food it is then." He spun around and strode towards the hotel restaurant, on the other side of the lobby and then suddenly stopped. Zoe and Jamie almost crashed into him. "Oh dear. Men only."

"If the mixed one smells as bad as the train, I'm not hungry," Zoe said immediately.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," the Doctor said hastily as Jamie glanced defiantly towards the restaurant. "And if it really is that bad, we can order room service." He grabbed her arm and began steering her in the opposite direction before she could gatecrash.

Thankfully, the mixed restaurant smelled a lot better than the train. The three travellers stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the people inside.

"Looks like its self service," Zoe said after a moment. He followed a middle-aged woman over to a counter and began helping himself to some purple leaves with red berries attached.

"What is this stuff?" Jamie asked, poking the berries with a spoon.

"Glaperies," the Doctor said, leaning over her and taking a ladleful. "It's like… a cross between tomatoes and grapes."

"I'd rather have rabbit stew," the girl muttered, wrinkling up her nose. She frowned suddenly and peered down the line. "Is it all vegetable stuff? Where's the meat?"

"Maybe they don't eat meat on this planet," Zoe suggested.

Jamie looked blankly at him. "Why would y' no eat meat?"

"I seem to recall that Callisto was famous for a pepper steak made from jippys. It's like a cow. Only blue," he added as his companions looked at him. "Perhaps it hasn't been invented yet."

"Or perhaps the lasses aren't allowed it," Jamie said with a scowl.

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Well, yes, that's also a possibility. Look, why don't you try those green things there? They taste lovely with a bit of gravy."

Jamie pulled a face of disgust, but decided not to argue, finally deciding to try the green things, the blue thing and something orange cut into slices. They found an empty table and sat down to eat.

A pretty brunette approached them and indicated the seat next to Jamie. "Excuse me, would it be all right if I sat here?"

Jamie's eyes widened in recognition. "Kerria!"

"You know her?" Zoe asked, interested.

Kerria sat down and nodded. "Yes. We met earlier. Kerria Kline."

"Any relation to Tarrent Kline?" Zoe asked, recalling the Doctor's brief history of things to come.

"He's my husband," Kerria confirmed.

"The Prime Minister?" Jamie asked.

"You mean he's running for Prime Minister," the Doctor corrected quickly.

"No, he's the head of SMATA," Kerria replied, looking slightly puzzled.

The Doctor paused with a fork of green leaves halfway to his mouth. "SMATA? So he's here for the committee meeting tomorrow?"

Kerria nodded. "Is that what you're here for as well?"

The Doctor nodded back eagerly. "Yes. Yes, indeed we are. But we, ah, seem to have left our… confirmation details behind. Would you be able to make sure we can get in?"

"It's all right, you'll still be on the guest list," she said cheerfully.

"Right." The Doctor opened his mouth and closed it again, looking thoughtful. "Do you know if Mr Jones is going to be there?"

"Do you mean Doctor Jones? Yes, he should be."

The Doctor rubbed his hands together in glee. "Oh that's marvellous. I've been wanting to talk to him about his new theory. Oh, are you two done done?" he added quickly, glancing at Jamie and Zoe's plates. "We'd best be off then, goodbye my dear," he said before they could protest.

"Who's Doctor Jones?" Zoe asked as soon as they were out of earshot.

"I made him up," the Doctor admitted, heading for the lift. "I hoped if I mentioned a name, she'd give me a real one. That way we can get into the conference. Assuming the real Doctor Jones doesn't show up first, that is. Still, if we get an early night, we can be up bright and early and there first thing."


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

The suite fitted into the rest of the hotel's theme of opulence and complete tack. The Doctor gazed at the gold velvet sofa facing a gold velvet-trimmed television and wrinkled his nose. "It's slightly over the top, but it seems comfortable enough, I suppose."

"This is _nice_," Zoe said gleefully, throwing herself onto a four poster bed covered in silk. "Why can't we stay places like this more often?"

"Some of the places we've stayed haven't been too bad," the Doctor argued. He walked across the room and pushed open another door, revealing another bedroom, and then closed it again. "There was… well, I'm sure…"

"The UNIT base wasnae too bad," Jamie said helpfully, stroking the velvet television. "A wee bit basic though."

"Yes. Well. Basic doesn't cost as much as this," the Doctor said firmly, beginning to unbutton his coat. "So don't get used to it."

Zoe patted the bed regretfully. "Shame. It's far more comfortable than the floor of a spaceship." He got up and began to wander around the suite. "Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"What are we going to wear to sleep in?"

The Doctor paused in the middle of hanging his coat up. "Hmm. I hadn't thought about that. Perhaps I should pop out to some shops and get some pyjamas? There was a boutique next door."

Jamie stopped stroking the television. "Can y' get me some shoes? Ones I can walk in?"

"And me some knickers," Zoe added.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows in Jamie's direction. "What?" she said defensively.

"Actually, can you get me some clean clothes too?" Zoe asked, raising an arm in order to take an experimental sniff at his armpit. "Yuck. I feel disgusting. I think I'll have a bath while you're out."

"No you won't!" Jamie exclaimed. "Doctor, tell her!"

"So, shoes, pyjamas and clothes," the Doctor confirmed, darting for the door. "Behave yourselves now, we don't want to get thrown out," he warned before slamming the door shut.

Jamie and Zoe glared at each other for a second. "You are not having a bath with my body," Jamie said firmly.

Zoe sighed. "Jamie, I'm… or you, are grubby, sweaty and these muscles hurt. I just want a bath. Honest, I'm not going to do anything to you! What would I do anyway, stand in front of the mirror and try penis tricks?" he argued as Jamie continued to glare at him. Actually, he had every intention of doing just that, but what Jamie didn't know, wouldn't hurt her.

Jamie's eyes widened in horror. The thought of Zoe doing anything more than looking and giggling hadn't occurred to her until that moment. "No!"

"Fine." Zoe pouted and rolled over. There was a moment of silence. "How about if you watch me then? Oh stop that," he scolded as Jamie turned purple and choked on her tongue. "There's nothing rude about it. It's your body you'd be seeing."

Jamie swallowed several times. "Aye, but you'd be looking too," she finally managed to argue.

"So? If you really minded people looking, you'd wear underpants," Zoe said with a smirk, raising the hem of the kilt slightly.

"Stop that."

"You can look at my body if you want," he offered. "I don't mind. I'll even find you a little mirror if you like."

Jamie's jaw dropped. "What?! No!"

Zoe scowled and rolled over again onto his back. "You're no fun."

"This isn't supposed t' be fun," Jamie snapped. She sat down on the gold sofa and switched the television on.

Zoe lay on the bed for a few seconds longer, trying to ignore the sweaty, gritty feeling of his new body. "Sod it," he muttered and jumped to his feet. He strode across the room and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Then he walked over to a huge, sunken bathtub and turned on the taps.

There was a loud knocking on the door. "Zoe! Come out of there!"

Zoe ignored Jamie and sat down on the toilet seat to unlace his boots.

The knocking continued. "Zoe, come on. That's no fair."

"When exactly was the last time you had a bath? You stink," Zoe called out, pulling a sock off.

"I bathe plenty!" Jamie shouted, insulted. "Now come out!"

Zoe grinned and pulled the grey polo-neck over his head. "No."

"Then let me in!"

The kilt was a pain to undo. Zoe turned around in a slow circle, trying to work out how to undo it. "Do you promise to behave?" he asked, spinning round the opposite way. "Because I'm bigger than you now. And I can suffocate you with my armpits."

"I'll behave if you will," Jamie said sulkily.

The door opened and Zoe stood there, wearing a kilt and a smirk. "Great. Now, how do you undo this thing?"

"Thought you were supposed t' be a genius?" Jamie grumbled. She reached out and expertly undid the belt. "There."

Without thinking, Zoe immediately looked down at himself. "Oooooh. Wow. Um. Gosh."

"Zoe…"

"Sorry." He snapped his head back up quickly. A moment later, his gaze lowered again. "Goodness. Is it supposed to look like that? It's really rather grotesque." He wiggled his hips from side to side and watched his penis swing with fascination. "They look different in the books on the Wheel. Then again, that could be because someone went and drew little moustaches on them…"

Jamie glared at him. "Zoe!"

"Sorry, sorry." Zoe blushed and sat down in the bath to stop himself from looking anymore. He turned off the taps and lay back with a happy sigh. "Oh… that is so much better."

Jamie balanced herself on the edge of the bathtub and looked curiously at the water. "Why are the bubbles purple?"

"Dunno. They just are," Zoe replied lazily. "Are you really going to sit and watch me bathe?"

"Aye. I dinnae trust ye'."

"Well instead of just sitting there, why don't you have a bath too?" Zoe suggested. "I know my body hasn't had a bath in at least two days and you have been sitting in a prison cell all afternoon."

Jamie looked curiously at him. "That's no' very proper, a lass and a laddie bathing together."

"Things are hardly proper now," Zoe pointed out.

She considered it for a moment. Admittedly, she did feel a bit grubby… but still, it wouldn't be right. Even though Zoe was making himself right at home in his body. "No, that's all right. I'm fine."

There was a knock at the door and the two jumped violently. "Only me," the Doctor called cheerily. "Are you both all right in there?"

"We're fine," Zoe shouted back.

"We're no' doing anything… improper," Jamie added. She hopped to her feet, handed Zoe a bathrobe and opened the door.

"Shoes," the Doctor said by way of greeting, handing over a plastic bag. "And a nightgown. And I brought one of those fancy robes the women are all dressed in, I thought it might stop people staring. It was the plainest one I could find, I didn't think you'd want anything pink and frilly," he continued as Jamie pulled the long, red garment out of the bag and gazed suspiciously at it.

"I was thinking I'd wear my kilt if Zoe's no' going to." She pulled out the box of shoes and opened it to find a plain pair of black plimsolls. "Ah, these are a mite more sensible than these silly things," she said in approval.

"They're not silly, you just don't know how to walk in them, that's all," Zoe said, wandering out of the bathroom to join them. "Did you get me some clothes too?"

"You've got a nice set of robes as well," the Doctor said, handing another bag over. "There wasn't really a lot of choice."

"That's all right, it'll be Jamie who ends up wearing them," Zoe said cheerfully. He pulled a cotton nightgown out of the bag and disappeared back into the bathroom, reappearing a moment later dressing in the gown. "I'm going to bed now, good night."

"I guess I'll get changed too," Jamie muttered. She went into the bathroom and the Doctor dove for the bed. He intended to be – or at least pretend to be – unconscious by the time his companions realised there were only two beds in the suite.


	5. Chapter 5

Zoe watched in fascination as Jamie tried to find a position in the armchair that was both comfortable and wouldn't have her sliding down the velvet into a heap on the floor in the middle of the night. "Are you seriously planning to sleep there all night?"

"Aye," Jamie grunted, clinging to the chair for dear life as she felt herself slipping over the edge. Was this thing actually a chair, she wondered? Or did Zoe's body just have an oddly shaped bottom?

"Oh Jamie, you're being ridiculous," the girl in Jamie's body scolded. He patted the empty space next to him. "There's plenty of space here. Or you could always try sleeping on the sofa in the Doctor's room," he suggested as Jamie glared at him.

"No way," Jamie said firmly, wriggling back another inch. "I know you, as soon as my back's turned, you'll be doing something weird with my body in the name of science."

Zoe groaned and let his head flop back onto the pillow with a thump. "You're so frustrating!" he complained. "It's all right for you, you've been a girl once before-"

"That was-" Jamie began, outraged, and promptly slid off the chair onto the floor in a heap of heavy silk and velvet blanketing.

"-But this could be my one chance to experience life as a man and you won't even let me pee in peace because you're afraid I'm going to laugh at your willy or something!"

Jamie disentangled herself from the piles of slippery fabric and stood up furiously. "Well, if we ever find another terraforming machine, I'll gladly turn you into a laddie for as long as you like, but right now you're in my body, not yours, and it's nae a science project."

At that moment, the Doctor poked his head around the door frame. "Everything all right?" he asked mildly, looking at his two companions. "I heard raised voices."

"I'm fine," Jamie muttered, evidently giving the chair up as a lost cause as she began to rearrange the blankets on the floor.

The Doctor looked pointedly at Zoe, who threw his hands into the air in surrender. "Oh all right," he said ungraciously. "I'll leave Jamie's body alone."

"Wonderful, glad to hear it. Now sleep well, we've got a busy day tomorrow." And with that, the Doctor clicked his fingers to activate the light switch, and closed the door.

There were a few seconds of silence before Zoe spoke. "How do you cope with all this hair on your legs? I'm getting friction burns."

"Well you've got a funny-shaped bottom," Jamie replied sulkily.

"I do not!" Zoe gasped.

"Go to sleep!" the Doctor shouted from the other room.

There were a few more seconds of silence before Zoe spoke up once more. "I'll have you know, I have a lovely bottom. That bottom's had fan mail."

* * *

Next morning, the trio awoke bright and early and made their way to the fifth floor conference room. "Well, here we are," the Doctor said cheerfully, turning to face his two companions in their colourful robes. "Fingers crossed the real Doctor Jones hasn't shown up yet, hmm?" And with that, he strode towards the man standing outside the door. "Doctor Jones and guests for the SMATA conference."

"Yep, fine, in you go," the man said, checking the name off a clipboard.

The Doctor grinned. "After you two," he said, holding the door open.

The man didn't even look up as he stuck an arm out to bar Jamie's way. "Not you."

"Ah." The Doctor sighed as Jamie folded her arms stubbornly. "Jamie, perhaps you'd better go and wait in our suite. We'll come and get you when we're ready."

"Och, but Doctor-" Jamie protested.

"It'll be much more convenient than trying to track you down in jail," he added quietly.

Jamie considered the wisdom of this for a moment and then with a snort of exasperation, she stomped off down the corridor, muttering obscenities under her breath.

"Oh dear," Zoe commented. "I think I'd like our chances better if Jamie and I were in the same place."

"I quite agree. Still, maybe it's for the best," the Doctor said, looking around the rows of chairs for a suitable place to sit. "He would've been terribly bored."

* * *

After several minutes, Jamie poked her head cautiously around the corner of the hallway.

The man with the clipboard didn't look up as he called, "I know you're there. Go back to your suite, or I'll call security."

"Och, I'm going," Jamie snapped. She stomped down the hallway, moodily kicking at the wall as she went.

"Oi, girl!" an outraged voice shouted. "What do you think you're doing!?"

Startled out of her sulk, Jamie took one look at the angry man striding towards her and sprinted in the other direction.

The plimsoles had been a wise investment and Jamie was easily able to outrun her pursuer. Several minutes later, she skidded into the lobby, hurriedly sat down on a chair and pretended to read a magazine. After several minutes had passed without anyone shouting or yelling, she dared peek over the top.

The lobby was beginning to fill up with people walking to and from the restaurants. Jamie's stomach rumbled as she recalled that none of them had had any breakfast, as the Doctor had been eager to get to the conference before the real Doctor Jones turned up. Perhaps she could go and get some food. She might run into Kerria. Kerria, whose husband was the head of the research committee.

Kerria was indeed in the mixed restaurant, eating something blue and lumpy and she greeted the other girl with a wave. "Good morning, Jamie. Did the Doctor and Zoe get into the conference successfully?"

"Aye. They wouldnae let me in though," she added, and narrowed her eyes at the other girl. "I don't suppose you could get me in, could you?"

Kerria started laughing. "Oh, sorry, were you serious?" she asked as Jamie glared at her. "I can't even get myself in there!"

"Well as close as possible then," Jamie amended. "I want to be near when Zoe and the Doctor are ready."

Kerria steepled her fingers thoughtfully. "All right," she finally said. "I'd quite like to know what's going on in that room too. Our suite is on the fifth floor, let's go there and make a plan."

* * *

"This here is the conference room," Kerria said, pointing to a room on her sketch. "These two rooms here are smaller meeting rooms that are generally used to store supplies during these events. My husband, Tarrent, uses one for administration."

"What's that wee room there?" Jamie asked, pointing to a small room next to the meeting rooms.

"That's a linen cupboard," Kerria confirmed. "If we could get in there, there may be a vent or something we could watch through. But it'll be locked."

"Aye, well..." Jamie lifted the hem of her robe up and pulled her knife out of her sock. "I've brought my own key," she said smugly.

Kerria grinned. "That should do nicely."

The two girls opened the door and peered out into the corridor. The conference was now in full swing and the hallway was deserted. They tiptoed quietly towards the conference room and stopped at the last door before it. "This is it," Kerria whispered, flattening herself against the wall and nodding at the doorframe.

Jamie had another quick look around, noting that the corridor was indeed deserted, which was very fortunate because they were completely conspicuous. Crossing her fingers in hope that the lock didn't have some sort of weird, futuristic alarm, she stuck the knife between the door and the frame and quickly jimmied it open.

It was immediately clear that the hotel housekeeping staff had had the same idea at some point in the past. High trolleys filled with blankets, pillows and towels filled much of the room, but a space had been made for a comfortable-looking chair, which sat directly in front of a grating set into the wall. Kerria immediately knelt on the chair to peer through the grating into the room beyond. "This is perfect!" she hissed, beckoning Jamie over. "Look, that's Tarrent."

Jamie closed the door behind them, and rearranged some of the trolleys to form a screen in case anyone else entered before joining the other girl. "Him up on the stage?" she asked. Kerria nodded. "Can ye see Zoe and the Doctor anywhere?"

"Over there, on the other side of the room."

They watched silently for a while longer, and then Jamie spoke. "So... what are they doing?"

"Representatives from various scientific, technical and mathematical groups will present their projects and papers before the committee," Kerria explained. "And the committee will vote on any issues that arise."

Jamie looked around the crowded room. "And... will they all be presenting stuff?" she asked slowly.

"Most of them, yes."

Jamie groaned. "Och, that could take hours!"

Kerria looked confused. "Well, yes. These things generally do. What's the problem? I thought you wanted to watch?"

"Oh aye, I do, I do," Jamie said hastily. "I was just... more interested in the science things than the others. I wish I'd brought a book," she added, thinking wistfully of the Harry Potter book sitting on her bedside table in the TARDIS. She'd been slowly making her way through all ten books ever since the Doctor had taught her to read, but as they were all forbidden to remove books from the TARDIS (the picnic had been a special occasion and even then, she guiltily remembered that they'd almost left the books behind), it was slow going.

"You can read too?" Kerria asked, looking impressed. "I like to read, but I'm not very good at it."

"Me neither," Jamie admitted. "I drive Zoe mad, reading. She's read nearly everything else on the TARDIS and keeps pestering me t'read faster."

"TARDIS?" Kerria asked, confused. Then she frowned. "She?"

Oops. "He! He, of course, Zoe's no' a lassie," Jamie said quickly. "Ha ha. That would be silly."

Kerria narrowed her eyes.

"The TARDIS is our space craft," Jamie said brightly in an attempt to change the subject.

"Space craft?" Kerria asked. "You can't be an astronaut, you're a girl. Or Zoe's a girl. One of you is a girl."

"It's the Doctor's space craft and he doesnae care about that. And I'm the girl," she added belatedly. "Of course. Always have been, ever since I were a wee bairn-oh what's the use?" she sighed. Kerria clearly wasn't falling for it. "Zoe's the girl."

Kerria looked back through the vent in awe. "That's amazing! A girl is in there, right now, and not a single one of them knows! Well, apart from the Doctor," she corrected herself. "How did this happen?"

"Zoe happened," Jamie said with a wry smile. "She's a nosy lass. We snuck into the Science City and she put this helmet-thingy on our heads and the next thing we know, we're no' ourselves anymore."

"And this helmet-thingy has been brought here for the conference," Kerria said, understanding dawning upon her. "That's why you're here, isn't it?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I wasnae expecting it to take hours and hours though."

The two of them watched the conference is silence for several minutes as a man stood up to report that his research team had found a new kind of catalyst to break down gloop.

"You know, you're doing very well at being a girl," Kerria said eventually. "I was completely fooled."

"I've had practice," Jamie admitted.

"Hmm." Kerria continued to watch the events in the other room. "I wonder if they ever considered that the machine could be used in such a way, to swap the minds of a man and a woman?"

Jamie shrugged. "They will once the Doctor's had a chat with them."

* * *

The Doctor lolled back on his chair, utterly bored. He'd spent the first fifteen minutes of the conference pointing every flaw in every presentation under his breath to Zoe, only for the boy to turn and threaten to turn him in as a gatecrasher if he didn't shut up. There hadn't even been any excitement when the real Doctor Jones arrived; the man on the door had simply shrugged and let him in. Admittedly it was for the best, his companions needed to switch back as soon as possible, but listening to out-of-date science in silence wasn't his idea of a good time.

He harrumphed loudly as a mathematician finished giving a (completely wrong) talk about yarn theory and then winced as Zoe elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "Do be quiet, Doctor, you'll get us thrown out!"

"Well, they're all wrong!" he protested as quietly as possible.

"I know they're all wrong," Zoe hissed back. "But can't you just daydream quietly instead of getting all huffy about it?"

"I could," the Doctor muttered petulantly. "If I wanted to."

Suddenly Zoe sat up straighter and elbowed him in the ribs again. "Doctor!"

"I didn't do anything!"

Zoe rolled his eyes and nodded at the man who'd just stood up with a helmet in his hands. "That's it, that's the PED," he hissed. "Now what do we do?"

"Now?" The Doctor sat up straight and a serious expression appeared on his usually humorous face. "We wait."

* * *

"That's it, that's the thing that switched us!" Jamie exclaimed. Kerria pressed her nose against the grating to get a better look. "You see? Two people wear the helmets and that control box switches their minds."

"How extraordinary," Kerria murmured. "Oh dear. They don't like it."

Indeed, in the room beyond, raised voices could be heard as the scientist with the PED began arguing with the man Kerria had identified as her husband, Tarrent. Jamie watched with growing unease as Tarrent lectured the scientist about "failing to grasp the inherent dangers of such a device falling into the wrong hands."

"Imagine, with that device, you'd never know who you were really talking to," Kerria said thoughtfully.

"Shh," Jamie whispered, trying to concentrate on the argument. As she watched, the scientist sullenly sat down, his presentation over. "Now what happens?"

"I imagine once the Doctor and Zoe have explained your problem, the device will be sent back to the Science City to be dismantled," Kerria said. "For now, we'll just have to wait."

* * *

It was at least two hours later when Kerria finally tapped Jamie on the arm and told her the meeting was over. "About time too," Jamie grumbled, crawling out of an elaborate blanket fort. She joined the other girl at the grating and peeped through. Inside the conference room, the crowd was beginning to thin out. The committee was gathering up boxes and papers and as she watched, the Doctor and Zoe began to push their way forward.

And then, much to her frustration, Tarrent, Zoe and the Doctor disappeared into another room.

"What now?" Kerria asked. "Shall we wait for them to come back out."

"No..." Jamie looked thoughtfully around the room. She raised her eyes to the ceiling and smiled. "Ceiling tiles! We'll see if we can reach that there room through the ceiling."

"You're not serious, are you?" Kerria asked incredulously as Jamie began to climb up one of the shelving units.

"Och, I've crawled through vents on the moon, pipes on Skaro, lift shafts in London... Zoe once crawled halfway across a hospital through one of these," Jamie said cheerfully, pushing the ceiling tile up out of the way and hauling herself up into the space above. "It's amazing how many places you can get to in these kinds of spaces."

* * *

"-And so we need to use the PED to switch them back," the Doctor finished.

Tarrent Kline drummed his fingers against the table where the PED sat as the two strangers in front of him finished their wild tale. "So you and a young lady-"

"Young man," Zoe corrected. "I'm the lady."

"-Broke into our Science City, tampered with a piece of very delicate electronic equipment, and then gatecrahed this conference in order to regale me with your tall tale," Tarrent continued loudly.

"Tall tale?" the Doctor protested indignantly. "It happens to be true!"

"The Science City is well guarded-"

Zoe snorted. "Their windows aren't."

"-And there's no way a woman would've been able to sneak in, undetected."

"To be fair, they did spot us very quickly," Zoe murmured.

"Do you have any proof to back up your absurd story?" Tarrent asked sternly.

"Well, there's... er..." The Doctor trailed off and looked helplessly at Zoe. How on Gallifrey was someone supposed to prove something like that? He was suddenly reminded of the trouble he'd had convincing Ben and Polly he was still himself after his regeneration - and they'd been there at the time.

"I thought so," Tarrent said with satisfaction. "I know what your plot is. You're female sympathizers! You want to disguise women as men and let them take over the world! I won't stand for it. I'm calling security."

Zoe and the Doctor exchanged bemused glances, then as Tarrent turned to pick up the phone, Zoe looked around desperately for something to hit him over the head with. But before he could move, the ceiling above the man splintered and a figured crashed down on top of him with a yell. Tarrent fell to the ground, stunned.

"Jamie!" the Doctor exclaimed. "I thought I told you to wait in the suite?"

"Aye, well, I thought I'd better stay nearby, just in case," Jamie explained, scrambling to her feet.

"Good thing you did," Zoe said. "He was about to call security on us. Doctor, are you really sure this man is the prime minister who'll change laws for women?"

"Never mind my history, get these on quickly." The Doctor handed his companions the PED helmets and hopped impatiently from foot to foot as they jammed them on their heads. "Everyone ready?"

"Ready?" Zoe and Jamie confirmed.

The Doctor hit the remote. There was a blinding flash of blue light. "Oh crumbs! Is that supposed to happen?"

"It worked!" Zoe patted her body down quickly to make sure everything was in the right place and started to dance a happy little jig. "I'm me again!"

"I'm me too!" Jamie said happily. He quickly yanked the helmet off of his head before anything else could happen and tossed it onto the table.

"Wonderful, wonderful!" The Doctor clapped his hands together. "Now, I think we'd better-"

"Hello." Kerria poked her head out of the hole in the ceiling. "Could you help me down from here please?"

"Oh. Yes, of course." The Doctor looked around for a moment and then began to drag the table over. "Jamie, Zoe, could you give me a hand here?"

A few moments later, Kerria was safely back on the ground. "So you're really Zoe, not Jamie?" she asked, picking up a helmet an examining it.

Zoe opened her mouth to answer, but the Doctor interrupted. "I'm sorry to be rude, my dear, but I think we should hurry up and leave before that fellow over there wakes up." He nodded over at Tarrent, who was still lying unconscious on the floor.

"Oh yes, of course." Kerria turned the helmet over in her hands, and then, to their surprise, walked over to her husband and carefully placed it on his head. "Before you go though, could you possibly restrain me?" She smiled at their dumbstruck expressions and placed the second helmet on her own head. "It'll be far more difficult for Tarrent to undo the switch and call security."

"Oh my goodness!" the Doctor spluttered. "Well I never! We couldn't- I mean, it would be- of all the-"

Zoe suddenly let out a snort of laughter. "I think I'm beginning to understand what prompted Tarrent Kline's change of attitude. Come on, Jamie. Let's tie her up."

"Really, Zoe, this is quite absurd!" the Doctor protested weakly as his friends untied the belts from their robes and began to tie up the other girl.

"Och, Doctor, it willnae hurt the man t' be a lassie for a wee while," Jamie said with a laugh. "You all right, Kerria?"

Kerria tested her bonds. "Just fine. Perhaps they could be a little tighter?"

Just then Tarrent groaned and began to stir. Jamie and Zoe exchanged glances and then lunged for the remote. There was another flash of blue light.

Kerria - or at least, the person who looked like Kerria - looked disorientated for a moment, then suddenly sat up straighter and began to struggle against her bonds. "I say! This is completely outrageous! Switch me back at once!"

"Looks like it worked perfectly," Zoe said with satisfaction.

"Yes. Well. It's nice to see that someone here today got their science right," the Doctor grumbled.

The real Kerria sat up with a groan. The helmet slipped from his head and he looked at it in confusion for a moment before shakily climbing to his feet. "Gosh. This is a bit different."

"Kerria!" Tarrent shouted. "How dare you! Undo this!"

Kerria calmly removed the second helmet from Tarrent's head. "I suggest you three leave now," he said, glancing back over his shoulder. "I'm going to call security and inform them that my wife tried to gatecrash the conference, and I'd hate for Zoe to get into trouble."

Jamie snorted. "Aye, well, Zoe doesnae need any help doing that."

"You're one to talk!" Zoe retorted.

Before a serious argument could erupt, the Doctor took both of his companions firmly by the arm and began to lead them out of the room. "Yes, it's definitely time we left. Goodbye."

"And good luck in the elections," Zoe added cheerfully. "Whichever one of you it is."

"Wait, you can't go! Don't leave me like this!" Tarrent shouted. "You can't do this to me!"

* * *

"We really shouldn't have done that," the Doctor fretted as they began the long train journey back to the TARDIS. "It wasn't terribly nice of us."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," Zoe said. "Once Kerria makes things better for women, she'll probably be more than happy to switch back. It's really not as much fun as I thought it would be. Especially when someone else deliberately chucks your body out of the ceiling and leaves giant bruises all over you," she finished pointedly.

"If I hadnae done that, we'd still be chasing that thing up and down t' planet," Jamie retorted.

"Never mind," the Doctor interrupted quickly. "The important thing is, we're all back to normal and now we can- oh no! Oh my word!"

"Doctor, whatever's the matter?" Zoe asked, concerned.

The Doctor groaned and raised a hand to his face in frustration. "I've left the mercury back in our hotel suite."

* * *

AN: Wow, has it really been six years since I started writing this fic?

*checks*

Yes, it really has. I've got no excuses because I can't actually remember why I stopped. Looking at the dates, it could be I moved house? I don't know. I really don't. Point is, I stopped for a long time. And then last month, something amazing happened – they found nine missing Troughton episodes. Enemy Of The World and Web Of Fear went from having one episode each to complete/one episode missing. I immediately gorged myself on them. And then I decided I wanted to reread all the Target novels to refresh my memory of the Troughton era. Then I got fed up of waiting for my uncle to buy me The Ice Warriors for my birthday and went ahead and brought it myself. And then I replaced my VHS copy of The Mind Robber with a DVD. And then I rewatched all the other ones I owned. And my brain was full of IDEAS. But I remembered this poor, neglected, forgotten old fic and decided that before I would allow myself to start a new one, I would jolly well finish this one first.

So that's what I did.


End file.
